I'll Be Watching You
by ZippyD
Summary: A screwball account of how Quinn and Rachel wind up with matching hers and hers calendars.


A/N: I wrote this back between season one and season two. If you're wondering about the lack of Blaine, Sam and the others, that's why.

Quinn doesn't pick up on it at first. Rachel's incessant buzzing around, breathing in her air, carrying on even though everyone around her has blatantly tuned her out seems normal enough. She doesn't notice that Rachel seems to be making her the object of her conversations, because hello, tuning Rachel out like it's her job.

When Quinn breaks off from the rest of the glee club and heads to her locker, Rachel following like a little barking pomeranian, Quinn still ignores her, shoving her books into her backpack and checking her mirror to make sure her ponytail is immaculate. It won't do to have a sloppy ponytail when she's just won her spot back on the Cheerios. Rachel? She's a somewhat tiny fly, buzzing around and adding to the background noise.

She does notice when Rachel starts bringing her stuffed pastries every morning, claiming Quinn is still getting her body back in shape and can't afford to potentially damage her vocal cords by following Coach Sylvester's extremely malnutritious diet. Granted, Quinn doesn't really hear much past Rachel's bringing up her post-pregnancy weight. And maybe it's sort of Quinn's fault that she's so incensed she shuts Rachel up mid-diatribe with a death glare, and snatches the bag of pastries out of tiny and not so mannish hands, and walks away before she ruins what's left of her high school career by committing homicide.

She absolutely does not notice at all that Rachel makes her favorite breakfast pastry, morning glory muffins, or that they taste amazing.

When Rachel starts following her to and from classes in the halls, scooting her chair closer to her in glee and shadowing her in the parking lot, Quinn definitely notices that something is going on.

Maybe it's how Rachel knows every nuance of Quinn's schedule, from classes to lunch to how long she takes to get cleaned up from Cheerios practice. It's a little creepy. Scratch that, it's a lot creepy. Creepy enough that she mentions it to her friends.

"Does Rachel follow any of you around school?"

Mercedes looks up from her lunch, glancing at Quinn and then behind her to where Rachel sits alone, two tables away, gazing adoringly at Quinn's back.

"You mean follow us around like we're the second coming of Streisand? No."

"Sweetie, I think you need to smell the Chanel No. 5. Rachel has made you the object of her affections. Deal with it now or else you'll end up like Finn with a locker full of animal calendars," Kurt chimes in.

Quinn's face scrunches in horror and she turns around to look at the girl in question. Rachel sees Quinn looking at her and sits up even straighter, if that were even possible, and waves, a smile threatening to split her face in half. All the blood drains from Quinn's face as she forces herself to sneer and quickly turns back around.

Oh crap.

Somehow the attempt to forcefully and emphatically tell Rachel off fails.

_"Berry. We need to talk. Now."_

Rachel grinned and reached out to touch Quinn's elbow, not seeming to care that Quinn jerked away from the touch.

"I'm in complete agreement Quinn. I think it's time we realize that our passion cannot be contained. The stunning young ingenue and popular, more worldly cheerleading queen, ruling the untalented masses. Our chemistry and potential are undeniable."

The scathing litany of insults she'd carefully spent the afternoon constructing washes away in the onslaught of utter insanity that is coming out of Rachel's mouth.

"What? No."

"And furthermore, by joining forces, we would be an unstoppable team in glee, ensuring a united front against Mr. Schuester's gravely ill-fitting song selections, therefore leading the team to a sweeping victory at Nationals this year!"

"Rachel, no, I don't like you like that."

"Which will certainly earn me an audition at Julliard and with two nationally ranked extracurriculars on your transcript, coupled with your impeccable grades and long-standing position on the honor roll you would be able to land a sizable scholarship to a New York City school of your choosing, and then..."

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Streisand was mapping out their future together? No. Absolutely not. Quinn Fabray did not claw her way back to the top of the social ladder just to be saddled with the biggest misfit in school.

"No."

"That's nice. And when we're in New York-"

"No. I said no. There is no relationship. We're nothing."

"Okay. And when we're in New York and living together and you've chosen your major-"

"NO, that is never going to happen! Get your midget self away from me before someone sees us!"

Rachel simply smiled, patted Quinn on a shoulder in sympathy and walked off, saying she'd have a triple berry protein shake waiting for Quinn after Cheerios practice.

Rachel has a shake waiting for her after Cheerios practice from then on. A shake after every practice turns into cookies once a week and Rachel trying to open her car door for her every morning when Quinn pulls into the parking lot before school and again before she leaves.

In glee, Rachel takes to serenading a thoroughly embarrassed Quinn in front of the rest of the club, alternating between Celine Dion and Air Supply. Mr. Schuester awkwardly pats Quinn on the back after practice one day, when Rachel had been particularly intense, singing Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You Up' to her.

"Hang in there Quinn. Give Rachel a little time and she'll come to her senses. I think."

It's not exactly a ringing endorsement for Rachel's sanity and Quinn leaves with the fresh memory of Rachel's voice singing the chorus.

_Never gonna give you up  
Never gonna let you down  
Never gonna run around and desert you  
Never gonna make you cry  
Never gonna say goodbye  
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you_

She tries to shove away the memory of Rachel ending the song by practically climbing into her lap and throwing short arms around her neck.

"You guys, this is serious. She's like, in love with me!"

Even though they're in the library and Quinn has to whisper, the desperation shines through as she hisses out her plea. Mercedes and Kurt exchange looks and nod grimly.

"Okay girl. We didn't want to have to do this, but this is getting real. Time for the plan," says Mercedes.

Quinn look back and forth between them.

"The plan?" she repeats.

Kurt nods and leans forward.

"Yes, the plan. The "Keep our best friend away from Rachel Berry's argyle worshipping embrace" plan."

The three huddle together, ducking down so the elderly librarian won't catch them talking.

The plan has three layers of protection.

Layer one: Mercedes and Kurt will take turns walking with Quinn throughout school all day and Kurt will walk with her to her car after Cheerios.

Layer two: Bribe Brittany and Santana with free dinners at Breadsticks to keep Rachel away from Quinn. (Santana agrees with a grin.)

Layer three: Mace.

"Won't that like, permanently ruin Rachel's voice and any chance of our club making it to Nationals?" asks Mercedes. Kurt just arches an eyebrow at her. "And if Rachel was poised to potentially go Fatal Attraction on you?" Mercedes shudders and nods in acquiescence.

Even with the first two levels, Rachel still finds a way to follow Quinn around. She shows up at Quinn's house after school to "work on the landscaping" and spends hours out in the front lawn of the house. Quinn doesn't notice what exactly Rachel has done until the next morning when she walks out the door and sees "Quinn is LOVE" spelled out with an arrangement of multi-colored petunias.

The night after that, Rachel winds up outside Quinn's bedroom window, a boombox that's almost as big as Rachel sitting on the grass beside her.

_Every move you make__  
And every breath you take  
Every bond you break  
Every step you take, I'll be watching you_

Quinn goes to the kitchen, grabs a carton of eggs and returns, opening her window. As she throws the embryonic poultry, she hears a series of muffled squeaks and then silence. Satisfied, she shuts her window, leaves the empty carton on her desk and goes back to bed. Five minutes later it starts again.

_Every step you take, I'll be watching you, I'll be watching you_

Quinn thinks the third layer sounds better every day.

Instead, Kurt and Mercedes up the bribe to Brittany and Santana, offering a full car detail and Kurt's father's place. And then? Then it almost, almost works.

They forgot to cover all their bases. They forgot about Finn and Puck.

Two weeks later, while the three of them are at Quinn's house watching The Vampire Diaries while Quinn's mom is running late at work, Rachel strikes.

A knock at the door draws Quinn's attention away from the show and she tells the other two she'll be right back. Looking out the peep hole she sees Puck and rolls her eyes, throwing open the door to ask what he wants.

When the door opens, to her surprise, Rachel is standing to the side, smiling like a maniac.

"What the f-"

Puck throws a burlap sack over her head and drags her away. She hears Rachel holler goodbye to Kurt and Mercedes, saying she'll have Quinn home in two hours. The next thing Quinn knows, she's in a car, probably Puck's judging from smell of too much Axe body spray, and Rachel is pulling the hood off.

"What are you doing?" Rachel is remarkably calm faced with Quinn's outraged screech.

"We're going on a date, Quinn. That's what most people do who have engaged in the beginning stages of courtship for several months."

"We're not dating! Puck! I know somewhere in your bald head is a brain, and you know this is crazy! Do something!"

Puck shrugs from the driver's seat and rolls the window down to spit out some of his chew.

"Sorry, Quinn. Berry promised me an passing grade in English."

Quinn kicks the back of his seat in frustration.

"Where are Brittany and Santana? Kurt and Mercedes are going to follow you."

Rachel only smiles and holds up two cell phones and a set of car keys. Kurt's and Mercedes' cell phones and the keys to Kurt's Escalade. Crap.

"Brittany and Santana are enjoying a $200 gift card to Victoria's Secret, I believe they're at the mall right now."

The dirty traitors.

"Also, Kurt and Mercedes will probably find themselves superglued to your front porch should they have chosen to run after us, even though I assured them you would be perfectly safe. I'll call Finn and have him run over with a solvent in about five minutes."

Quinn is doomed.

Their "date" turns out to be dinner at Breadsticks, with their meals already ordered ahead of time by Rachel. Quinn thinks about screaming for help, or making a break for it. But she still has her dignity and she will not go down in Lima history as the girl kidnapped by Rachel Berry. That and she's slightly afraid of what Rachel will do if she tries. If Rachel isn't above forced kidnapping and supergluing her friends to the porch, Quinn isn't putting it past her to have a taser in her purse.

After an agonizing hour and a half long dinner filled with Rachel talking incessantly about Quinn, herself, how good Quinn looks cheering, musicals, why Quinn should duet with her in glee and a bizarre love of little kids' shows, dinner is over. Rachel pays for their food, asks again if Quinn wants her barely touched plate to go, and leaves a nice tip for the waitress.

The ride home is filled by more of Rachel's talking and Puck's radio blaring hip hop music with foul lyrics. By the time they get back to Quinn's house, she's fuming. Rachel gets out and holds the door open for her and Quinn practically flies out, turning around and roughly shoving Rachel against the side of the car frame.

"Listen, you little psycho tranny. Whatever delusions you have of the two of us as a couple? Never happening. You're insane, annoying, delusional and if you ever come near me again, I _will_call the police department and report you for stalking and then? Then I'll get a restraining order out on you. Try getting into Julliard with one of those. Stay. The. Hell. Away. From. Me."

A final hard shove and she spins around and storms back inside her house, not looking back. She feels like she needs a shower now.

Rachel backs off completely. Kurt and Mercedes insist she carry the mace around with her at all times after the 'incident,' but Quinn never needs it. It's as if Rachel Berry only exists in glee, and then only as a shadowy figure hiding in the far corner of the room. Quinn has never been happier.

Two weeks go by.

Quinn is hungry every morning, and belatedly realizes it's because she doesn't have anyone bringing her breakfast pastries. She's always thirsty after Cheerios and craving a fruit smoothie. Her sweet tooth seems to be out of control and always craving cookies.

Damn Rachel Berry. It's all her fault. Quinn will definitely get over it. She totally doesn't have fleeting thoughts at night before she's about to fall asleep on how Rachel already knew and remembered her favorite foods without Quinn ever having to ask. And she definitely doesn't stop and realize that Rachel paid $200 just to have a chance to buy Quinn dinner.

She really likes having Kurt and Mercedes as friends. Really, she does. But sometimes the two go off on tangents that she has no hope of following and the tangents can last forever. And besides, it would be rude to demand that they pay attention to her. At least Rachel paid attention to her.

Three weeks go by.

Maybe she'll just say hi to Rachel in the hall. Just a quick hello. Maybe a "Hi, stubbles." That's normal.

Kurt and Mercedes think she's nuts.

"Are you for real? You finally just got her to leave you alone and now you wanna go talk to her? Did you get dropped on your head?" Mercedes' voice raises with each question and Kurt is pinning her against the lockers with an accusing stare.

"What harm could it do?"

Kurt rolls his eyes and waves his hand in the air dramatically.

"Quinn, we love you. Mercedes and I consider you a dear friend. So we say this out of love. You miss someone following after you like a little puppy that you can snap your fingers and have on command. You don't miss Rachel, you miss the very few perks Rachel came with."

She nods unconvincingly and lets them drag her away.

A month goes by and Quinn nonchalantly tries to approach Rachel by her locker.

"Hey, Man-"

Rachel looks up at the sound of Quinn's voice, alarmed, her eyes wide. She slams her locker shut and runs away.

Quinn tries again the next day and the same thing happens. And then the next day. And the day after.

That? That just makes Quinn irritated. Nobody ignores Quinn Fabray. Really, it's the only reason she's even still trying. It's the principle of the thing. She can't just let Rachel Berry of all people flounce off on her like Quinn isn't the Head Bitch in Charge. That's all it is.

It's totally all it is, and it's the reason Quinn memorizes Rachel's class schedule, extracurricular schedule and after school schedule. Rachel is a busy person. A very busy person. And she still made sure to bring Quinn wha- no. No, no, no. She only knows this because she's going to find a way to corner Rachel so she can give her a piece of her mind. And she definitely has not noticed that Rachel has a very nice behind in her short skirts when she's running away from Quinn.

"You didn't listen to a word I said, did you?"

Quinn glances briefly at Kurt and then returns her attention to scanning the lunchroom for a sign of Rachel.

"Sure."

Mercedes shares a grim look with Kurt before waving her hand in front of Quinn's face.

"What?"

"Girl, what's with you? You spend all that time trying to get rid of Rachel and now you're turning into her."

"Am not." It's not the best comeback in the world, not by a longshot and her friends know it.

"Quinn, we'll be blunt. It's been two months. You've had two months of absolute freedom from Rachel, and instead of celebrating with us, you've memorized her entire schedule, you track her down in the halls like you're on a life or death safari hunt for a wildebeast, you stare at her in glee like she's a slab of perfectly marinated, organic filet mignon, extra bacon."

Shifting uncomfortably in her chair under their gazes, Quinn ducks her head.

"So?"

"So," Mercedes says, taking over "You're acting almost as bad as she was. She's trying to stay away from you like you demanded and you're following her around like Jacob, trying to get her attention. We're worried about you."

Quinn scowls and sits up a little straight in her chair, swishing her ponytail behind her shoulder.

"Well if she'd just give me a minute, I just want to talk to her."

A pained expression falls on Kurt's face as he leans forward. "Would you listen to yourself? You just want to talk to her? You're acting like you're stuck in a bad eighties romcom. Next you'll be telling us you want us to help you break into her house so you can search her room!"

Quinn perks up immediately and a dangerous smile crawls across her face.

"That's the best idea you've had yet."

Both Mercedes and Kurt hold their hands up. "Oh hell no."

They find themselves standing guard outside Rachel's front door two days later. Having threatened Finn with being an accessory to a kidnapping and a physical assault, he quickly coughed up the spare key he had to Rachel's house. Not that Quinn would have actually followed through with the threat, but it was nice to know she still had it.

Now Quinn is rifling through Rachel's room, taking note of every Broadway album she owns, every poster she has and everything that makes the room scream "property of Rachel Berry." She sees Rachel's bed and wonders what it would be like to lay down on it with her. She almost does when she hears a high-pitched screech. Kurt. It's the signal to let her know Rachel is home.

Crap.

She hasn't even found anything she can use to get Rachel to talk to her yet. Arms flailing she runs around the room putting everything back in its proper place when she sees it. A set of three dolls, missing the fourth and final member. That's it!

"Be that as it may, I don't understand why the two of you are standing outside my front door or why Kurt is risking his vocal cords by continuing to scream like that. It's extremely bad for your voice and- oh my, do you have Tourette's? That would explain so much! Your compulsive hair combing and the random malicious comments... Of course! You can't control it! I know a great therapist in Columbus that-"

A loud thud followed by three sharp knocks cuts Rachel off.

"What was that?"

"Nothing!" Mercedes acts fast and shoves Rachel through the front door.

"Nice seeing you Rachel, would should do it again sometime. In a few months. Bye!"

They run down the sidewalk to Kurt's car. Quinn is on the other side, low and hiding, her Cheerios uniform stained with grass and leaves in her hair.

"Do we even want to know?"

Quinn smiles proudly and stands up as Kurt unlocks the vehicle. She grimaces as her back pops but hops inside. "Did you know Rachel has a tree outside her bedroom window? It wouldn't be that hard to climb with a little practice."

Mercedes turns around to stare at her from the front passenger seat.

"You like her!"

Jaw dropping, Quinn recoils in denial.

"Are you crazy?"

"No, we're not. But you certainly seem to be on the express train to Crazytown," says Kurt, chiming in. "You're developing a thing for Rachel. Somewhere, in all of her insane, Rachel behavior she got to you and now you miss her."

Before Kurt and Mercedes can press their argument, Quinn Fabray, Head Bitch in Charge, Cheerios Captain and ruler of McKinley High emerges and fixes them both with her iciest stare.

"You're sorely mistaken. Both of you. Drop the subject."

And that's the end of that conversation. Karofsky and Azimio are big and scary in a brutish sort of way, Santana is scary in a subversive verbal warfare sort of way. But Quinn? When Quinn is in queen bee mode, she is absolutely terrifying.

Though it's the end of that particular conversation, it's by no means the end of Quinn's rapid descent into Stalkerville.

What had started out with Quinn merely memorizing Rachel's schedule and a quick reconnaissance mission to Rachel's house grows into Quinn blowing off Kurt and Mercedes after school to go wait outside the dance studio Rachel takes lessons at, in her car, ducked behind the steering wheel to watch Rachel leave.

"And then she turned her webcam off and started singing in front of the mirror. She should wear her purple _'Next to Normal'_hoodie to school, it looks great on her. And anyway, she started singing Funny Girl again and... what?"

Quinn stares across the cafeteria table at Kurt and Mercedes, confused by the looks on their faces. Mercedes is holding her sandwich in the air, not having taken a single bite and Kurt is frozen with a forkful of salad halfway to his mouth.

"Just when did you change your last name to Cullen and not tell us?"

Kurt's question bounces off of Quinn, its meaning lost as she scrunches her face in confusion. "What are you talking about? I don't even like Twilight."

"He means that you're moving in on Edward levels of creepy."

Quinn scoffs and jams her fork into her own salad. "I don't know what you two are talking about," she mutters.

"Quinn, sweetie, how are you able to see into Rachel's bedroom?"

As she stuffs a cherry tomato in her mouth, Quinn shrugs as if it were the most obvious answer in the world and answers "The tree, duh."

"Girl, are you listening to yourself? You're climbing trees and spying on Rachel. You're voluntarily watching her sing in front of a mirror. Admit you have a thing for her and go talk to her!"

Again, Quinn denies, denies denies and sputters out an excuse. "You're mental, Mercedes. I'm just making sure nothing happens to her while she's home. What if she chokes while she's singing? We can't lose the female lead for glee club, we'll never make it past Regionals. I'm doing it for the good of the club."

Another arctic stare signals the end of the conversation and they all go back to eating their lunch. Three minutes later, Quinn thinks she sees Rachel walk by and knocks Kurt's Cheerios shake over and on his lap. False alarm.

It's a Wednesday when Mercedes texts Kurt to book his butt to Quinn's house, immediately. When he calls, she says it's an emergency and hangs up. Kurt breaks about five different traffic laws, speeding to get there and when he parks his Escalade behind Quinn's car in her driveway, his heart is pounding and he hasn't been so nervous since he admitted to Coach Sylvester that they leaked her old 'Physical' video. Mercedes doesn't have emergencies. Ever.

He runs inside and bounds over to Quinn's room and hears what sounds suspiciously like The Lion King playing, coming through the door. His suspicions are confirmed as the door opens and he takes in the scene.

Mercedes is sitting wide eyed on Quinn's bed, a look of disbelief and helplessness on her face as she stares at Quinn. Quinn herself is huddled in the corner, surrounded by a stack of CDs, warbling.

_"Can you feel the love tonight?"_

Kurt stops in his tracks and rubs his eyes, unsure if this is really happening.

_"The peace the evening brings"_

Yes, this really is happening. Good lord, this is really happening.

_"The world, for once, in perfect harmony"_

Mercedes looks over at him and motions at Quinn, telling him to do something. Quinn's voice pitches higher, cracking.

_"With all its living things"_

He goes to sit down next to Mercedes and leans over to ask "How long has she been doing this?" Mercedes leans over and whispers "This is the ninth repeat."

Oh dear god.

"Quinn?" he shouts, over the music. "Sweetie, what are you doing?"

Leaning back against the wall with a loud thump, Quinn drops her head in her hands and starts to wail.

"Cookies don't taste as good as hers!"

"We can go buy you some different ones."

She starts crying harder.

"No, I've bought every brand the store has! They aren't like hers! I want her cookies!"

"Letting that wide open door close on its own... Quinn, why don't you just go talk to her?" he asks, getting off the bed and kneeling down in front of her. Quinn sniffs and plucks Kurt's Alexander McQueen silk scarf out of his shirt pocket and blows her nose on it. Mercedes has to rocket off the bed to hold him back as his prized accessory is ruined in front of his eyes. "Not now," she whispers at him.

"She won't talk to me," Quinn hiccups, drawing their attention back to her. "I try and go up to her and she runs away. She won't have anything to do with me!" she ends, her voice hitching up an octave as a fresh wave of tears pour out.

"Quinn, you kinda did threaten to take a restraining order out on her psycho butt last time you did talk to her. Maybe she's still worried about that?" Mercedes' hopeful look is ruined as Quinn shakes her head and bleats out that she's already tried telling Rachel she didn't mean it.

"Well, look. We're your friends, right?" Quinn nods. "Then we'll help you figure something out. Rachel doesn't just get over her obsessions, so there's got to be something still there."

The crying stops and Quinn looks up at both of them with a doleful expression. "I just want to talk to her." Another sniff. "I'd be her Simba," she whines.

Kurt and Mercedes exchange looks of horror and cringe. Kurt reaches out to rest his hand on Quinn's shoulder.

"Okay, uh, Simba. We'll help you get Nala, just calm down. Let me clear a path here and... since when did you start listening to Fosse?" he asks, examining the CDs littering the floor around Quinn more closely. "Or Carousel? Quinn, where did you get all these?"

"Rachel."

"I thought you said she was avoiding you," said Mercedes.

"They're from her room."

"You went in her room again?"

"Sometimes she has to leave and she forgets her stereo is on."

Again, Kurt and Mercedes exchange looks of horror. This is much worse than they realized.

"Quinn, girl, that's like, illegal. And creepy." Mercedes mutters the last sentence under her breathe, her face scrunched up in distaste.

Another long, drawn out sob and Quinn buries her head in her arms again. "Why can't I be her Simba? I'd be a good Simba!"

Kurt clears his throat and leans in again.

"Just out of curiosity, not that I'm trying to say no, but what does your mother think about this? Have you told her?"

Now that he mentions it, that concern crosses Mercedes' mind too. Even though Quinn and her mother have been getting along, her parents threw her out of the house once for being pregnant. Mercedes can only imagine what Judy would do if she knew her daughter was going Single White Female on another girl.

"She doesn't care," interrupts Quinn with a watery sigh. "She scheduled a mother-daughter weekend retreat for us this weekend. Something about liberating ourselves or burning a bra or something." Kurt and Mercedes stare at her in confusion.

"Ever since she kicked my dad out she's been 're-discovering her feminist roots' and going to a bunch of women's liberation meetings. She doesn't care."

Well, okay, that's one problem down.

"But that means I can't watch Rachel this weekend. What if she finds someone else while I'm gone?" she asks, gearing up for another crying jag.

Kurt rushes to speak to cut off the waterworks.

"Okay, we'll talk to her. You go have fun with your mom and burn your polyester undergarments."

Quinn's eyes light up and for the first time since Kurt got there, she looks hopeful.

"R-really?"

Mercedes nods.

Quinn lunges at them both. "You're like my own Timon and Pumbaa! Thank you Timon!" she says, kissing Kurt's cheek. "Thank you Pumbaa!" she adds, with a hug for Mercedes. Then it's Kurt's turn to hold Mercedes back while Quinn smiles on, skipping out of her room oblivious.

"Girl did not just call me a warthog!" Mercedes is fuming and lunging for the doorway Quinn just exited through.

"Mercedes! She's not in her right mind, you can't judge her for this!"

Quinn's weekend is spent with her mother in a wooded retreat somewhere far away from civilization in the wilderness of Ohio. There's no phone signal so she can't call Rachel's house or cell phone and there's no internet which means she can't constantly check Rachel's MySpace profile for an update.

It's a 'Woman, thou art God' retreat and she has no idea how her mom found it, nor does she really care. Somewhere between the yoga and a lecture on 'Mystical Union,' Quinn realizes her mother has gone absolutely cuckoo. As she watches her mother fiercely debate the "new foundations of male and female relationships" she sincerely hopes the crazy that's infected her mother isn't hereditary.

Five minutes later she sneaks out her iPod and starts to listen to her Rachel inspired playlist. Funny Girl never sounded so amazing.

Monday after her weekend in cuckoo land, Quinn rushes back to school to try and talk to Rachel again. Again, Rachel runs away in the opposite direction. Three minutes later she spies Kurt and Mercedes.

"Did you talk to her?"

They glance at each other, warily and Mercedes reaches out to touch Quinn's shoulder.

"Uh, yeah. Sort of."

Quinn's eyes narrow and she grinds her teeth. "What do you mean sort of? You either did, or didn't. What did she say?"

The hand on Quinn's shoulder is pulled back and Mercedes backs away. Kurt takes over.

"Well, she definitely notices that you've been following her around school."

Quinn's heart soars.

"But she said something about seeing someone to get over you and she kept checking her phone. I think she was texting them. We couldn't see who. I'm so sorry Quinn."

And with that, Quinn's heart plummets and she turns around and walks off, tears pooling in her eyes.

Mercedes and Kurt find her in the parking lot at lunch, in her car.

_"And I was like baby, baby, baby ohhhhh"_

They take in scene playing out in front of them. Quinn is hunched over her steering wheel, a mountain of used Kleenex piled on the floorboard on the front passenger side.

_"Like baby, baby, baby noooooo-oooooo-ooooo"_

The last word is punctuated with sobbing and Quinn bangs her head lightly against the steering wheel.

_"Like baby, baby, baby ohhh"_

Mercedes glances around the parking lot to see if anyone else is watching. They're alone.

_"I thought you'd always be mine, m-m-m-ine"_

Quinn collapses into more tearful sobbing at the end of the chorus, her head coming down to rest on the car horn, the loud noise blocking out the rest of the music. Kurt quickly leans in and lifts her head up, cringing at the sight of her face. Mascara tracks and runny foundation are smeared everywhere. Quinn looks like a sad clown hooker.

He turns to look at Mercedes and they both nod. This is no longer critical mass. It's Def-con One. Quinn has cracked.

"Girl, listen. Calm down. There's still a chance. Rachel loves it when people fight over her, right?"

Quinn cries harder.

"Sweetie, we'll think of something. Maybe there's something Rachel really wants or a concert in Columbus you could take her to or-"

Quinn shoots up off the steering wheel so fast Kurt jumps up startled, knocking his head on the roof of the car.

"That's it! The one she doesn't have! I have to find it!"

"Uh, find what, Quinn?" Mercedes leans in behind Kurt as he rubs his head, careful not to touch any of the used Kleenex. She watches in dismay as Quinn's face falls again.

"But I can't find it!"

Kurt finally seems to have enough and leans over to grip Quinn's face. He and Mercedes are going to find whatever this thing is, get it, and put a stop to all of this once and for all.

"Tell us what it is, we'll take care of the rest."

On Thursday, Kurt and Mercedes do an admirable impression of James Bond as they sneak the package through the parking lot to Quinn's car. When she sees them she jumps out and runs to meet them.

"Did you get it?"

Glancing around to make sure they're alone, Kurt nods and passes the wrapped parcel over to Quinn as though it's caught fire.

"Here. Take it. Don't mention it. Ever."

Taking the package from him, Quinn lunges forward and hugs them both.

"Thank you so, so much. You two are the best Timon and Pumbaa ever!"

Mercedes forces herself to be still and tries to hide her grinding teeth. "No problem," she says, as sweetly as possible. "Now go get her so we can all forget about this."

Quinn hugs them again and drags them to her car. "Let's go to dinner. I'll pay. You two are the best friends I've ever had."

Kurt and Mercedes try not to yell when the stereo turns on and Quinn starts playing 'Hakuna Matata.' The hundred bucks they spent to get this thing had better be worth it.

That Friday, Quinn skips Cheerios practice, telling Coach Sylvester she's going deep undercover on a recon mission to scout out information on their number one rival team. Coach claps her on the back and tells her to break someone's leg. Really. Break two if she can get away with it. Go for the captain first.

Instead, she drives over to Rachel's house like a bat out of hell, intent on confronting Rachel and forcing her to accept the gift and talk to her.

She rings the doorbell and the door opens almost immediately and she's greeted by Rachel, smiling. Maybe this will be easier than she thought.

Rachel's face immediately falls. Nope. No such luck.

"Quinn, what are you doing here?"

Shoving her way inside before Rachel can shut the door on her, Quinn pauses and looks around. The coffee table has a plate of cookies on it, with two glasses of water. Rachel is expecting company. That's what that smile at the door was for. Rachel is smiling for that mystery person. Smiling for someone who isn't Quinn Fabray.

"Who's coming over?"

Rachel looks at her warily and backs away.

"Suzy."

"Suzy? Suzy Pepper?"

Rachel takes a few more steps back.

"Yes. After my completely inappropriate and shameful behavior toward you, I realized I have a problem, and that Suzy and I have a common bond. So we started Overly Infatuated Anonymous a while ago. She's my accountabilibuddy. We have a twelve step program and I must admit, you being here and initiating contact is not good for my progress, Quinn."

It takes a minute for all the information to sink in. And when it does, most of it flies right out of Quinn's head as one piece takes hold. Suzy Pepper is Rachel's accountabilibuddy. Rachel is avoiding her for Suzy. Quinn Fabray is being shoved aside for Suzy freaking Pepper. Rachel is choosing Suzy, the glasses wearing, forty-year-old looking mental case over her.

The doorbell rings and Rachel inches toward the door as Quinn fumes.

This isn't anything she can't handle. She's Quinn Fabray, head cheerleader. And Suzy Pepper is a grade A nerd with a stalking problem. She can win this, easily.

Rachel opens the door and an attractive, fresh-faced young woman smiles at her. Quinn's brow furrows. Just who the hell is this?

"Hello, Suzy."

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's Suzy? That's what Suzy looks like cleaned up? THIS Suzy is a threat. This Suzy is kinda cute. This Suzy needs to die in a pit of hellfire for making Quinn admit she's cute. This Suzy Pepper needs to get the hell away from Rachel. Not only is she being stepped over for Suzy, Suzy is now attractive.

Before Rachel realizes what's happening, Quinn is behind her, flashing a sickly sweet smile at the competition. Quinn takes a small amount of satisfaction at the surprise that covers Suzy's features, before looping an arm around Rachel's waist possessively.

First Law of the Jungle. Kill or be killed, take what you want now or lose.

"Bye Suzy."

Rachel starts to protest and Quinn cuts her off with a throaty growl, her eyes still boring holes into Suzy's forehead.

"MINE."

Then she slams the door. Or at least tries to. Suzy sticks her foot in at the last minute. Before Quinn can try again, she shoves her way inside and glares.

"Rachel, fraternizing with the object of your inappropriate and misguided affections is clearly against step two."

Quinn starts to see red as Rachel throws her hands up in supplication and tries to back away from her.

"She stopped by unannounced. I had no idea she was coming over and-"

Something is threatening to snap and Quinn clamps a hand over Rachel's mouth.

"Yes, and I'm here now so you can go."

Suzy holds her ground and squares her shoulders back, recognizing the challenge.

"No. I'm here as an invited guest. Rachel _invited_me to come over, not you. I suggest you leave before you do any further damage."

Quinn loses it. She launches herself at Suzy and tackles her to the ground. Rachel stands in shock, eyes wide and watches as Quinn hauls Suzy up by her hair and literally throws her out the door. As she shuts the door, locking it as she turns around, Rachel finds her voice.

"What are you doing? You can do that, it's rude! I'm trying to-"

Quinn interrupts her by mashing her lips against Rachel's and driving them back against the wall. When she finally, finally comes up for air, she remembers Rachel's gift and thrusts the previously forgotten bag at her.

Rachel opens the bag and her face lights up as she pulls out a mint condition Tinky Winky doll.

"I've been looking all over for one of these!"

Score. Before Rachel can take her attention away from the missing piece of her Teletubbies collection, Quinn continues, pressing Rachel back into the wall with her body, leaning down and touching foreheads.

"You're mine. Mine. Got that? Mine. We have date nights every Saturday. You'll come watch me cheer at every single game, and wait for me after. Friday nights after football games I get to choose what we do, you can choose on Thursdays after glee. You'll ride to school with me, starting immediately and you sit with me at lunch and in glee. Understand?"

Quinn is sure that if Rachel weren't trying so hard to keep herself from flailing she'd be subjected to an enthusiastic speech. Instead, Rachel nods her head vigorously, smiling and throws herself at Quinn for a hug.

"And I want my cookies again."

Rachel nods and takes Quinn's hand to lead her upstairs. Quinn is so wrapped up in her mental celebration of being Quinn Fabray, Head Bitch in Charge with Rachel Berry for a girlfriend that she almost runs into Rachel who has stopped on the stairs.

"Quinn, how did you know I was missing Tinky Winky?"

Crap.

~  
Fall 2012

"I saw you look at her! She winked at you!"

Kurt and Mercedes stand well out of the way of their friend arguing with her girlfriend. Again.

"Quinn, I told you! We're lab partners, I have to talk to her! I refuse to compromise my academic standing because you think Suzy is a threat."

Quinn fumed and loomed over Rachel.

"I don't like her looking at you. I know what she's thinking. You're mine and I'm not letting her steal you."

Rachel scoffs and stands her ground.

"You're being irrational. And besides, _I_ saw you talking to _Noah_again."

Kurt rolls his eyes and slips a five dollar bill to Mercedes. Yes, they really are having this argument again, in public, in its full blown glory.

"He was the father of my child! I have to at least acknowledge him, and he leers at you half the time anyway!"

As their voices grew louder, many students try to scurry out of the way to avoid the impending explosion.

"Get over it, Quinn! I don't have to take this anymore."

With that, Rachel slams her locker shut and storms off. Mercedes counts under her breath.

_Five... four... three... two... one..._

Quinn tears after Rachel and seizes the handle on Rachel's backpack, dragging her backwards through the halls.

"Don't you walk away from me while we're talking!"

Kurt and Mercedes watch as Quinn drags a flailing Rachel into the girl's bathroom. No more than thirty seconds later, Santana comes barreling out, Brittany in tow.

"Oh my god, you two! Get a room! You're gonna blind me with little Jew babies!"

By lunch, Quinn is sitting with Rachel snuggling into her side, eating the cookies her girlfriend had made just for her that morning. Rachel has her iPod on, listening to the Barbra Streisand, the rare recordings playlist Quinn made for her this week, sharing one of the earbuds with Quinn. They have matching hers and hers calendars out, planning ahead for the weekend. Rachel has changed shirts, now sporting a neon pink "Team Quinn" t-shirt that she'll wear to the football game later tonight.

"At least they have their stuff figured out," says Mercedes. Kurt nods and tries not to gag when Quinn brushes a strand of Rachel's hair away from her face and leans down to rub noses. Any second now they'll start feeding each other.

"I suppose there's that." And there's the fact that he and Mercedes are no longer subjected to Quinn crying in her car. Now it's only 'Hakuna Matata.'

"I think they're cute together."

Both Mercedes and Kurt jump at the third voice. Turning around they see Suzy looking at the mostly happy couple, smiling.

Mercedes nods and turns back to watch Quinn make little airplane noises as she feeds Rachel a bite of salad. "Yeah... real cute." She pauses and looks at Suzy again. "You're lookin' good, too," she compliments. It never hurts to be nice. Kurt nods absent-mindedly.

Then Suzy pulls out a chair and sits down.

"I think you two are great. I just wanted you both to know that. Really, really great."

Alarm ripples down both Kurt's and Mercedes' spines as they watch Suzy smile at them.

Oh hell no.


End file.
